quarter century crisis

i feel as though i am in the process of some sort of life crisis... what the hell do i want to do with my life? where do i want to be? how the hell am i going to get there?

my lack of proper, consistent role models is really leaving me with way too many questions and options, and the prospects are far too expansive for my tired brain to wrap around.

my current job is safe. am i a safe kind of person? so much of me knows that i can acheive more, but why have i not made any advancements or steps in a forward motion? where is my drive for life? i have always been good at many things, not particularly exceling at one particular item. i could really do anything i wanted to (no bloody guts permitting)... but have never been able to pin that down. art was one of those things that comes naturally, and a degree in art is a hell of a lot easier than a degree in statistics. yet i find myself still in my safe job, with an almost non-existent urge to go out and get a real design job. why? maybe its just that i am a lazy arse, who couldnt be bothered to get out and be challenged...

i have noticed of late that i tend to follow other people. the interests of others propels me along, and i believe i am more interested in being among those people and immersing myself in their worlds- rather than follow what I want to do- in order to not be alone. perhaps i dont believe myself to be a strong enough magnet for others to stick to, and therefore, force myself to them? perhaps everyone does this, and i am merely stuck in my own head (most likely im sure). i think that i am most afraid to fail. If i am merely cheerleading other peoples lives, then its not mine that is being reviewed. safe is safe, and easy, and failure is not really possible. can i be content with safe? why cant i just know these answers... damnit being human!

i get such a sick in the stomach feeling about the future. I dread it. will i be happy? will i be successful? will i be able to fully love someone else, or even myself? will these questions ever end? what do i need to be happy? will i ever know? does anyone ever know? does any of it even matter?

I THINK I NEED A HOBBY! and a cheap one! perhaps it really is time to drag out that old tennis racket... (why the hell am i even resiting that - its just a game... just a ball and a racket, and a bit of running... easy enough!)

as Geolyn would sing for me if she were here with a strong brit-punk accent: "where is my motivation?" as i ask "where is my mind?"

Ok rant over!