the icing on the cake and musings on the moment

monday: beginning of week from hell
if i was a camel, and carrying a load of months of having to defend and prove myself, getting "spoken to" for trying to stick up for myself against a work bully was the piece of straw that broke my back. sometimes i just want to give up, and start anew, so that i dont have to keep fighting... but when is too much, too much? at what point do i take myself out of an unhealthy situation? how am i to know how to fix this unhealthy situation? and perhaps it is me that interprets the "battle"... perhaps it is really there... perhaps i need to be stronger, and more resilient... perhaps it all doesnt matter...

tuesday-sunday: non-stop busy
expo went well, but the awkward interplay between myself and my co-workers, is making me feel like i really dont belong among this group of people... 12 hour days, high stress, intense deadlines... expo used to be a 3 day party that had long days of work, ending with fun dinners, and dancing... this year, it was not the same... if it werent for my boss, the one person who seems sensitive to my current situation, i wouldnt have survived emotionally... i am now wondering... is one person enough to keep me there? I have to remind myself hourly, that this one person is the one person who matters most. this is the one person who recognizes my responsibilities, and accomplishments... but why the hell do i care what other people think about me...

monday: the icing
my bank doesnt seem to have processed the $1000 check that i deposited at the beginning of the month, and i now have about 12 transactions that each cost me $27, and the bank thinks i am $800 in the negative...

musings:
does anything else want to happen to me this month? might as well have it all happen now... get it all out now... perhaps i can alienate ALL my friends, and push everyone away? my defense is taken by people around me as some sort of offensive... what the hell am i supposed to do? my latest solution is to walk away... but something in me says that is not right... i am not a quitter... however close i am to the edge that i sit now... holding on for dear life... i really dont want to quit... my life has not been about quitting, or giving in... i have fought for my life, and my place, and my survival... I am the one who got me where i am today... i did not have the family support that others had... i was on my own... and yet there are those who "know" me, who wonder why i dont rely on them, or choose to stand alone in times of trouble... that is not me... i am not trained to ask for help. i just want someone to stand by and be there at the end of the day... a part of my personal life, apart from the chaos of work, and the stress of the day... anyone up for being my friend?