quarter century crisis

i feel as though i am in the process of some sort of life crisis... what the hell do i want to do with my life? where do i want to be? how the hell am i going to get there?

my lack of proper, consistent role models is really leaving me with way too many questions and options, and the prospects are far too expansive for my tired brain to wrap around.

my current job is safe. am i a safe kind of person? so much of me knows that i can acheive more, but why have i not made any advancements or steps in a forward motion? where is my drive for life? i have always been good at many things, not particularly exceling at one particular item. i could really do anything i wanted to (no bloody guts permitting)... but have never been able to pin that down. art was one of those things that comes naturally, and a degree in art is a hell of a lot easier than a degree in statistics. yet i find myself still in my safe job, with an almost non-existent urge to go out and get a real design job. why? maybe its just that i am a lazy arse, who couldnt be bothered to get out and be challenged...

i have noticed of late that i tend to follow other people. the interests of others propels me along, and i believe i am more interested in being among those people and immersing myself in their worlds- rather than follow what I want to do- in order to not be alone. perhaps i dont believe myself to be a strong enough magnet for others to stick to, and therefore, force myself to them? perhaps everyone does this, and i am merely stuck in my own head (most likely im sure). i think that i am most afraid to fail. If i am merely cheerleading other peoples lives, then its not mine that is being reviewed. safe is safe, and easy, and failure is not really possible. can i be content with safe? why cant i just know these answers... damnit being human!

i get such a sick in the stomach feeling about the future. I dread it. will i be happy? will i be successful? will i be able to fully love someone else, or even myself? will these questions ever end? what do i need to be happy? will i ever know? does anyone ever know? does any of it even matter?

I THINK I NEED A HOBBY! and a cheap one! perhaps it really is time to drag out that old tennis racket... (why the hell am i even resiting that - its just a game... just a ball and a racket, and a bit of running... easy enough!)

as Geolyn would sing for me if she were here with a strong brit-punk accent: "where is my motivation?" as i ask "where is my mind?"

Ok rant over!

the icing on the cake and musings on the moment

monday: beginning of week from hell
if i was a camel, and carrying a load of months of having to defend and prove myself, getting "spoken to" for trying to stick up for myself against a work bully was the piece of straw that broke my back. sometimes i just want to give up, and start anew, so that i dont have to keep fighting... but when is too much, too much? at what point do i take myself out of an unhealthy situation? how am i to know how to fix this unhealthy situation? and perhaps it is me that interprets the "battle"... perhaps it is really there... perhaps i need to be stronger, and more resilient... perhaps it all doesnt matter...

tuesday-sunday: non-stop busy
expo went well, but the awkward interplay between myself and my co-workers, is making me feel like i really dont belong among this group of people... 12 hour days, high stress, intense deadlines... expo used to be a 3 day party that had long days of work, ending with fun dinners, and dancing... this year, it was not the same... if it werent for my boss, the one person who seems sensitive to my current situation, i wouldnt have survived emotionally... i am now wondering... is one person enough to keep me there? I have to remind myself hourly, that this one person is the one person who matters most. this is the one person who recognizes my responsibilities, and accomplishments... but why the hell do i care what other people think about me...

monday: the icing
my bank doesnt seem to have processed the $1000 check that i deposited at the beginning of the month, and i now have about 12 transactions that each cost me $27, and the bank thinks i am $800 in the negative...

musings:
does anything else want to happen to me this month? might as well have it all happen now... get it all out now... perhaps i can alienate ALL my friends, and push everyone away? my defense is taken by people around me as some sort of offensive... what the hell am i supposed to do? my latest solution is to walk away... but something in me says that is not right... i am not a quitter... however close i am to the edge that i sit now... holding on for dear life... i really dont want to quit... my life has not been about quitting, or giving in... i have fought for my life, and my place, and my survival... I am the one who got me where i am today... i did not have the family support that others had... i was on my own... and yet there are those who "know" me, who wonder why i dont rely on them, or choose to stand alone in times of trouble... that is not me... i am not trained to ask for help. i just want someone to stand by and be there at the end of the day... a part of my personal life, apart from the chaos of work, and the stress of the day... anyone up for being my friend?

Preparing for a New Adventure...

i quit my job, and the hunt for a new one begins...

update: stress sucks...